1. Examine the software packaging until you find a
little printed
box that explains what
kind of computer system you need to run the
software.
It should look something like this:
SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS
2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER
628.8
MEGAHERTZ MODEM
719.7 MB FREE DISK
SPACE
3546 MB RAM
432323 MB ROM
05948737 MB RPM
ANTILOCK BRAKING
SYSTEM
2 TURTLE
DOVES
NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.
2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual.
This will
contain detailed instructions
on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it
away.
3. Find the actual software, which should be in the
form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or CD-ROM, located inside a sealed
envelope
that
says:
LICENSING AGREEMENT:
By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to
abide by all
the terms and conditions of
the following agreement that nobody ever
reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and
the
Secret Membership Oath of the
Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks
and such other terms & conditions, real and imaginary, as
the
Software Company shall deem necessary
and appropriate, including the
right to
come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive,
as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like
it, take it or leave it,
until death do
us part, one nation indivisible, by thedawn's early light,...finders keepers,
losers weepers, thanks you've been a great
crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.
4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and
say, "(Name of
child), please
install this on my computer."
5. If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the
software in the
appropriate drive, type
"SETUP" and press the Enter key.
6. Turn the computer on, you idiot.
7. Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.
8. You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a
while, after
which the following message
should appear on your screen:
The Installation Program will now examine your
system to see what
would be the best way
to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you?
Choose one, and be honest:
+-------+
+--------+
|
YES |SURE |
+-------+
+--------+
9. After you make your selection, you will hear
grinding and
whirring for a very
long time while the installation program does God
knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually
alter
molecular structures, so that when
they're done, your computer has
been
transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food
processor.
At the very least, the installation program will create
many new
directories, sub-directories,
sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive
and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names
like
"puree.exe," "fester.dat," and
"doo.wha."
10. When the installation program is finished, your
screen should
display the following
message:
CONGRATULATIONS
The installation program cannot think of anything else to
do to your
computer and has grown bored.
You may now attempt to run your
software.
If you experience any problems, electrical shocks,
insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or
intestinal
parasites, you should
immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^^)$*!#$_$*^^&
11. At this point your computer system should become less
functional
than the federal government,
refusing to respond even when struck
with
furniture.
12. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number
listed on the
package and wait on the
line for a representative, who will explain
to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged
3
through 12.